Welcome Back
Well, it has been about 8 years since I last posted to this blog. I spent the day reading my old posts and deleting quite a bit. The last 8 years has been a roller coaster for sure with a lot of changes and the last few days, I have been reflecting on those quite a bit.
In the last 8 years, I have changed jobs a few times, moved to different cities, gotten married but what hasn't changed, is my inner struggles to be content. Now people ask me all the time if I am happy or if I am content with life and I lie and say yes. The deep truth is, I am not content. Because I am not content, I am also not truly happy.
Now, when I say I am not content, I do not mean that to look upon my marriage or with those in my life. When I say I am not content, I mean with myself. It wasn't until recently that I finally started to look deep inside myself and start to figure out who I really am. I struggle with that fact that I am no longer happy with being in public safety. I struggle with my sexuality and being comfortable with it and I struggle with the relationships with people that I have lost or let go of.
I have spent the last 11 years of my life dedicated to the lifestyle of a public safety professional. Missing holidays, important dates, birthdays and celebrations. Just recently I made a professional decision to leave the public safety sector and enter the private. Today, I can say this is the best decision I could have made but the truth is, what will I feel or see in 6 months or a year from now. Only time will tell in this case but I am hopeful that I have found the job that will help me retire 20 years from now.
My biggest and hardest struggle is that with my own sexuality. Even today, I struggle with the fact that I am a homosexual. My struggle is not with my marriage. I am the luckiest guy in the world when it comes to having married the most amazing person who cares about me deeply but even that support, has not allowed me to truly accept who I am as a person. We all know that my childhood is no fairy tale story and to be honest, neither was my coming out. In some aspects, I feel like that I never truly came out nor have I truly accepted my own sexuality. The fact is, I am gay. The second part of the struggle is accepting that. Each and everyday, I struggle with that very fact. Sometimes, I am embarrassed to be a homosexual. Not because of the actions of others, but because I have not come to terms with it. I see other gay men on a daily basis and envy their courage and their abilities. I often say to myself, wow! I wish I could dress like that or I wish I could be that personable. Because of these insecurities, I often find myself staying home and not venturing out into the world to experience life. There is a lot more I could write about this subject and I am sure I will but for now, the struggle continues.
When it comes to those who have come and gone in my life, I have no explanation other then for the fact that 50% of that is my fault, the other 50% of that is there own. This struggle will continue until the day that I no longer walk this earth. I just hope that one day, that 50% will no longer be my own fault and it will just be a fact of life that people come and go.
For once, I feel better about opening up and being honest. I plan to write more but for now, this shall do. To those reading, I encourage you to use this tool as a way to open up and try to feel better. I plan to attack my struggles head on, just not yet.
In the last 8 years, I have changed jobs a few times, moved to different cities, gotten married but what hasn't changed, is my inner struggles to be content. Now people ask me all the time if I am happy or if I am content with life and I lie and say yes. The deep truth is, I am not content. Because I am not content, I am also not truly happy.
Now, when I say I am not content, I do not mean that to look upon my marriage or with those in my life. When I say I am not content, I mean with myself. It wasn't until recently that I finally started to look deep inside myself and start to figure out who I really am. I struggle with that fact that I am no longer happy with being in public safety. I struggle with my sexuality and being comfortable with it and I struggle with the relationships with people that I have lost or let go of.
I have spent the last 11 years of my life dedicated to the lifestyle of a public safety professional. Missing holidays, important dates, birthdays and celebrations. Just recently I made a professional decision to leave the public safety sector and enter the private. Today, I can say this is the best decision I could have made but the truth is, what will I feel or see in 6 months or a year from now. Only time will tell in this case but I am hopeful that I have found the job that will help me retire 20 years from now.
My biggest and hardest struggle is that with my own sexuality. Even today, I struggle with the fact that I am a homosexual. My struggle is not with my marriage. I am the luckiest guy in the world when it comes to having married the most amazing person who cares about me deeply but even that support, has not allowed me to truly accept who I am as a person. We all know that my childhood is no fairy tale story and to be honest, neither was my coming out. In some aspects, I feel like that I never truly came out nor have I truly accepted my own sexuality. The fact is, I am gay. The second part of the struggle is accepting that. Each and everyday, I struggle with that very fact. Sometimes, I am embarrassed to be a homosexual. Not because of the actions of others, but because I have not come to terms with it. I see other gay men on a daily basis and envy their courage and their abilities. I often say to myself, wow! I wish I could dress like that or I wish I could be that personable. Because of these insecurities, I often find myself staying home and not venturing out into the world to experience life. There is a lot more I could write about this subject and I am sure I will but for now, the struggle continues.
When it comes to those who have come and gone in my life, I have no explanation other then for the fact that 50% of that is my fault, the other 50% of that is there own. This struggle will continue until the day that I no longer walk this earth. I just hope that one day, that 50% will no longer be my own fault and it will just be a fact of life that people come and go.
For once, I feel better about opening up and being honest. I plan to write more but for now, this shall do. To those reading, I encourage you to use this tool as a way to open up and try to feel better. I plan to attack my struggles head on, just not yet.
Comments
Post a Comment